Rum, Romanism and Rebellion

Due to some discoveries made by scientists at Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems and Veridian Dynamics, a device called the Tachyon Capacitor will be invented allowing for limited time travel. It is through this device that a visitor from the future has provided me with this wire service story:

WASHINGTON (AP) – Despite being dismissed by critics, it looks as though Bag of Hair’s bid to be the Republican Party’s Presidential nominee has become inevitable. Hair has carried 16 of 18 states in the “Super Tuesday” primaries, mathematically eliminating Hair’s better known and better financed opponents.

Hair is not without critics. Roger Bartone, a former Democratic consultant turned cable television commentator, immediately went on the attack on the program Bartone Zone in his daily “Unhinged Rant” feature, one that had to be cut short so an assistant producer could clean the spittle from the camera lens.

“This isn’t just someone with a weak grasp of foreign policy, but a weak grasp of our own country. We are talking about a candidate (Hair) who identified ‘Osama’ as the capitol of Nebraska.”

The capitol of Nebraska is Lincoln, the AP has learned.

Conservative supporters disagree and believe that Hair shares their values.

Morgan Jesperson of the Institute for American Values and Unfettered Commerce said in a call from his private jet that Hair represents small-town, main street values.

“The liberals like to play those gotcha games like asking who the current president is, that only matters to the media elites but not the true, red blodded American.”

“Also, I don’t care about Hair’s lack of experience. As long as everything Hair says bothers liberals, centrists, moderate Republicans and the media, full steam ahead, I say,” Jesperson added before cutting the interview short for a meeting with financial industry lobbyists.

“So what if you don’t know that California is on the Pacific Ocean?” said Rosie Fulgrove, an Indiana supporter of Hair, highlighting a recent gaffe made in a debate, “What we care about is whether or not our president will finally cure this gay thing.”

Hair’s critics cite other gaffes such as a condolence card sent to Monticello upon the death of Sherman Hemsley, a microphone clearly picking up the words “Prawns nearly sight” while singing the national anthem, and shock on a foreign trip to London when the locals spoke English.

Sal Parchesi, a Queens New York resident who formed his “Patriots for Hair” group long before Hair sought the nomination, dismisses criticism of Hair’s intellect. “What do these other guys have? They went to fancy colleges and got degrees in how to add or subtract. Hair has common sense, and will solve this deficit problem without raising my taxes or cutting my medicare. Oh, and Hair will send those New Mexicans back where they came from,” Parchesi said, referencing another statement made during an appearance in Wisconsin.

New Mexico was made a state in 1912, the AP has learned.

There are party leaders who are uneasy about a Hair candidacy. None would speak on the record, but one said “I don’t expect a candidate to be Abraham Lincoln, but I’d like one who knows who he is.”

With Hair’s unassailable front runner status, party insiders are speculating about possible running mates. Box of Hammers is the most prominently mentioned.